I had almost done it. I had almost talked myself into going out for a run. Shockingly, for those who know me and know my love of running, I haven’t run since Thanksgiving Day.
6 days after Thanksgiving, my world changed, but it goes back a little further than that for me.
2013 was a rough year for my running and the psyche of my running. Every race I trained so hard for ended in disappointment. I trained so hard for a 10k last spring that I was totally trained and ready to break a pr by shaving off probably about 3 minutes (which in the world of running is HUGE). I spent the week before that race with a sick child. Race day dawned and I just felt totally weird and off throughout the race. Got home to realize I had a low-grade fever. I still finished the race in about my time from the year prior, but it was a total disappointment.
After that race, I never felt like I hit my stride again or maybe I never could hit that speed that I had gained during that training so it never felt like I hit my stride again.
I trained really hard for a half marathon in September. It was supposed to be a flat course with two rolling hills. It was supposed to be a fun girls weekend. It was the first race I ever planned to run that I didn’t set any specific time goals. My goal was to go have fun and enjoy a half marathon (Yes I see the irony…it is still 13.1 miles…at some point it becomes not fun, but fun was my goal).
The course turned out to be almost 13 miles of hills. There was one break between miles 10 and 11.5 (if I remember correctly). Then more hills. It was the hardest race I have ever run. It. was. not. fun. at. all. Not even a tiny bit.
Immediately following that race, I jumped right back into training for another half marathon. Truthfully, I had joined a half marathon training team for this half. We had started meeting in August for a November half. So, I never had a break between the two halves. I chose not to set a time goal for this race and rather focus on running the entire course. I wanted to run the course no matter the time, but not walk at all.
I spent the week before the November half sick and not eating much of anything. Which of course spells disaster for running a half marathon. I still finished in a respectable time, no pr of course, but respectable. It felt like crap because once again I knew I was trained and ready, but the stars didn’t align for that race either.
Thanksgiving day, I ran a Turkey Trot 10k. Once again, I didn’t set a time goal, in part because my pace has been so much slower this whole year. Well, really not SOOO much slower, but it felt like it to me especially mentally and especially after what I knew I was capable of for the 10k earlier this year.
Thanksgiving day was really cold. The race went OK, however my hamstring/ hip which had been bothering me following the hilly half in September and of course bothered me some during the half that I had completed 10 days prior, bothered me. I ended up walking some.
All in all, despite my slowest 10k time ever, it was an enjoyable race because I focused on enjoying the day and relishing that I was doing a Turkey Trot, something I had long wanted to do.
While the last race was at least a good memory, it wasn’t the icing on the running cake of 2013 that I needed. I needed to feel strong and feel like I could, in fact, run fast and feel strong and like myself.
That is where my journey gets a little muddled.
I started running while losing 40 pounds. The journey of running has been so empowering for me. It has been a journey of pushing myself and being totally amazed at how strong I am and of what I and my body are capable.
This year none of that has clicked. I guess in part, it has left me feeling less than and certainly not empowered. It has left me wondering if, at 42, I’m over the hill and I’ve lost it. It has left me wondering if I need to come up with totally different dreams and ambitions for running. It has left me up in the air wondering what I wanted from my running in 2014.
Before 2014 hit, on December 4th, my Aunt was hit by a car while walking her dog. She was killed. She lived in a major metropolitan city with sidewalks and safety for pedestrians. I do not. I live in a suburb that, because I was raised in a major metropolitan city, is by my definition rural. There are no sidewalks. There are no traffic lights at which I can cross the busy street that leads out of my small neighborhood. I can’t run 12, 6 or even 3 miles running the circle of my neighborhood without mentally going nuts. I have to cross this busy street. I have to run on the side of the street. Or I have to quit running.
Tears come to my eyes as I write that because I don’t want to quit running (my tight jeans don’t want me to either). But I’ve had quite a few close calls on these small roads with no sidewalks. The school buses are the worst. They pass so close I can touch them, should I dare. I have had close calls with cars that are just too busy to slow down to give room for the runner in the road while passing a car going the other direction. It scares me, but until December 4th, I assumed it would never happen to me or anyone I knew. I never gave it a thought except in that moment. Now I know better. Now I know it can happen and it did happen to my Aunt.
This morning, I almost went for a run. This morning I almost forced myself to get over it. I chose to take my girls and our dog on a bike/walk instead. The irony of that is not lost on me. It is ever-present in my mind on our walk/bike. I am overly cautious but because we homeschool, it is also the middle of the day with very little traffic.
Tonight, I look at Facebook for just a few minutes. Guess what I see? A woman who lived in my suburb and was part of the marathon training team (a sister training program to my half program) was hit and killed by a drunk driver while out running this morning. WHAT? How can this happen? How am I ever to feel safe going for a run again? And OMG, her family. The pain and agony they are going through right now. I have seen that pain up close and personal. It isn’t pretty. It is devastating. It is so palpable anyone in the room can see it, touch it and feel it. Is running worth that? I would NEVER EVER want to knowingly do something that would cause my family to go through that.
I do realize that I’m taking this too far mentally and yet that is where I am at. I do realize it is not necessarily rational thinking…and yet that is where I am at.
Before all of this had happened, I had planned a different state of my running post, in which I was able to come up with my new goals for 2014 and what I wanted from my running. Now, I have no idea. Now, I want to run and not die doing so. I’m afraid I might be sounding crass, particularly to my Uncle and cousins who lost their wife/mom. I’m so sad for them. I’m so sad they have to go through what they are going through.
I’m so sad to have lost my Aunt. There were so many conversations I still wanted to have with her. So many texts and Margaritas still to enjoy. I feel like my fear of going running is just dumb in comparison and yet it is still there and it is still very real to me. I still need to figure it out and deal with it.
As of writing this post(I write in advance and schedule posts), I’m not sure what I will do. I know that I reached out to a friend who has thought of running a 10k. I invited her to join the training team with me for a spring 10k. I think maybe getting back out there with a group and someone I know may make it a little easier. I also know the roads they run and the paths they run and it terrifies me because they are busy roads with small shoulders.
I know myself well enough to know that I love running and I won’t let this stop me. I will power through, someday. I also know that I was at a crossroads with running. Needing to redefine what I want and what it means to me. I think I will probably sign up for the 10k and the training team and hope that will ease me back in. I’m not sure if I will go at it full force or if I will drop back and try the beginner group. For some reason that sounds better to me, safer to me. It makes no sense.
If I have gone forward with the 10k and training team, that means tomorrow morning will be my first run. My first run since Thanksgiving, since December 4th and since today (when another runner died). Deep breath. I. can. do. this.
If you run or bike at 4:30 – 5 AM there are not many cars! Oh, guess that won’t work. Let’s see – how about find a route through neighborhoods where you cross just the one busy street out of your neighborhood? Find fun loops in small residential neighborhoods. You probably do that already. And add flashing warning lights on your back and an LED headlamp – Mr. T knows a good one. Then just go out and work up a good sweat and got those endorfins going again! You can do it. Don’t let fear keep you from something you love and has been really good for you!! Wahoo! Full arathon here we come! Lub U!!
Yes Dad, if you are nuts and are up that early,there is very little traffic. But you know I’m not nuts like that! 😉 I need to add the lights or a reflective vest or something. That would be good. Full marathon…you are a funny one today!
Love you Dad,
KC
I am currently training for a 10k run and I belong to a group of runners. We go out at 7:30am on a Saturday morning and the coaches set out cones, draw arrows on the pavement and wear high vis vests whilst cycling up and down the course to check on everyone. Here in new Zealand we are lucky to have a lot of tracks and parks to run as well. All I can say is that you need to do what is right for you and your family. Running is my “me” time and chance to unwind.
Lauren, I just signed up for a similar 10k training team. I did go run on Saturday with my group. It felt OK to run with the group. I haven’t managed to get myself to go by myself yet. Unfortunately, where we live there are is only one park and it doesn’t have a place to run. I wish we had lots of tracks and parks to run in, that would be fantastic!
I am like you, running is my ‘me’ time as well. I need to get back to it and figure out a way that works for me.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.
KC
I so appreciate the way you can write and share your heart. Beautifully, tearfully done. I can picture your streets and hear you. They are not safe. Is there a safe area or neighborhood, like “the Lake” to run, even if it is repetitive? Like we have the canal. You will figure it out. lovingly, C3
Mom, yes there are. I just get bored and dislike running in a repetitive way. You are right, I will figure it out.
Thanks,
KC
I understand your fear completely. I live in a rural residential neighborhood and the winding roads and fast cars make me really nervous, especially in one place where the trees and poison ivy grow right up to the edge of the road. I try to get through that stretch as fast as I can because there is no way to get off the road.
There are some long jogging paths, not that they are anywhere near me, and I’ve thought about driving over to one of them, just to have some safety. Maybe that would work for you?
Marti, I can’t imagine having to run near a winding road with trees and poison ivy right up to the edge of the road. I know you said it is just one location, but please be careful! Yes, I need to look into running paths. I just dread the idea that it means I have to get up even earlier in order to accommodate the travel time, but that may be what I ultimately do.
Take care and please be safe out there.
KC
I am so sorry this is going on. About your aunt and your running acquaintance. I guess there aren’t off road trails to run on by you? I imagine it will be hard for you to readjust or gain back your confidence for road running…I wonder if you could start a call for change in the way the cars drive in your town? A letter to the editor, a petition for sidewalks, something? I guess there are always treadmills…
Dara, no there are no off road trails near me. There is nothing near me. Everything would require travel time. Which, I may have to get used to. I just don’t like the thought of getting up earlier. I think there is a move to make a change around here after what has happened. Treadmills…blech! But again, I may go for that idea in the short term until I come up with a good long term solution.
Thanks for your ideas.
KC
Are there any tracks where you can run at the schools?
Carla, there is a track. I almost went this morning, but I wasn’t sure of the rules and such especially when school is in session. I will have to figure that out. Thanks for the idea.
KC
My heart breaks for you..for the loss of your aunt, but also for the fear that is holding you down. There is an answer. There is a way for you to continue to run, but safely. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that the answer is revealed to you.
Susan Wojtkowski
From your SITS Tribe
Thank you so much Susan. I appreciate your thoughts and that you stopped by. Looking forward to getting to know more tribe mates this week and on into the future.
KC
Don’t give up just yet!!! 2012 was my year just like yours. Everything about it was going wrong. I was constantly sick, I was struggling with energy to run, but I wanted to so badly. I kept setting goals and the just weren’t happening. I made some changes, mentally and physically…2013 was one of my best years in running ever.
I was just “surfing” around blogs and found you. I am so sorry about your aunt. That is heartbreaking. I too am a “runner” kind of. I am 53 years old and my running has gotten so much slower it is disheartening. However, I have decided to push on! Now I just run for my enjoyment and don’t care at all about my time. Do you have any greenways in your area? We have several in our small town that is just for runners and walkers.
I don’t think you are taking this “too far mentally”. It would be foolish not to be concerned about your safety and take any precautions that you can and it sounds like you know that. Life is very seldom on a constant trajectory where we do better each year at our jobs, our craft, our activities . I didn’t figure that out until my early forties ( the age when we take stock of our life) before that I figured I would get better at everything I set my mind to but that is almost impossible. Life gets in the way. Praise yourself and your body for having completed those races and realized how amazing you body is to have let you run even when you were ill. Find yourself a safe place to run and lace up those running shoes
Traci.
I feel for you because of your aunt and because if your internal struggle! I hated running until last summer and now I can’t believe I WANT to run! I can’t imagine, coming as far as you have, being struck by fear for my safety and not running. I live in a suburban area, and run on many roads without shoulders, but I have never feared for my safety. Also, since I’m a new runner, I haven’t struggled with setting goals and not achieving them. For me, it’s just pretty amazing each time I get out there! I wish you the best of luck working through this, and I hope you can put your fears aside and smash your goals to pieces!
Oh KC. I am so sorry to hear about your beloved aunt. I can only imagine the fear and anxiety that that event caused you, the fear in your broken heart. When I run (whenever THAT is), I too am nervous. Not because of the traffic – because I live out in the country and there are large shoulders that I can sprint off on while cars pass by. I fear being abducted. Not because this is a dangerous area. Not at all. But only because it happens. Time and time again people disappear while doing something normal and mundane. So I hear you, sweetie. I feel your fear. I don’t know how to make it better for you — except for prayer. I will be praying for BOTH of us as we step out with a new born strength and determination! ♥
xxoo laurie
I always fear for runners or bikers on the side of the road. There are just too many people not always paying attention to the road. One second of looking away or at the radio or heaven’s forbid a phone can be the one second that they veer off. I can’t walk on our busy road and have to drive to a park. I hate having to do that, but it is the only way to walk safely. So sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Kim. You are so right, it is just so easy to not pay attention, which is really sad. Yes, I am working on finding my new normal and what I will do now. I appreciate your thoughts and your comments.